Morning Musings
I’ve wanted to “go West” since I was a little girl with frizzy hair and a pony tail.
In elementary school, the kids from the “cool families” would take a motorhome out West over Summer vacation. I didn’t know what ”going West” meant, exactly. But I sure knew it was something I wanted to do!
I’ve carried the dream for three and a half decades. One of my favorite quotes that I hold to, as a guiding belief, is this:
“What’s for you will not pass you.”
Now, I’m not suggesting it’s a blanket statement, or that it resonates with everyone. But it resonates with me. It comforts me. And it helps me embrace the opportunities that come my way, and wave to the ones that pass me, without resentment.
This morning as I was having coffee, looking around me, it felt so surreal. To be in the desert. In the West. I’m here. It didn’t pass me. But it could have.
I am only recently unpacking the way the COVID shutdown affected me on a deeply personal level. As someone who holds my freedom as my most treasured gift, I will never forget the way I felt when we got the email that our flights were canceled for a trip my Louise’s and I were planning to take to Ireland and Scotland in 2020. I just couldn’t wrap my head, heart, mind, and soul around being stuck.
I remember going through the process of being so angry. And then afraid. And then just so sad. Having to stay home, or close to home, felt like prison to me, even though I loved my home. Something precious and core to who I am went into a deep sleep. It had to, so I could go on.
I became comfortable in my new, smaller world. And it’s almost like I forgot myself as I was. To the point that I thought maybe I had transformed into a home body forever.
Over the past few months, though, this restlessness started setting in. At first I was alarmed. What did it mean? Was I not as happy as I thought I was? What is missing? What is my spirit and soul trying to tell me?
I know now, that I was waking back up. And it scared me. It sounds silly. But I was nervous to go far away from home. All of those “it’s not safe” messages were checking in constantly.
It takes courage to wake back up. It takes courage to stretch into the unknown and do the things we dream of. Because dreams come with risk. They come with uncertainty.
I so value openness. Telling the whole story. Not just the high light reel that makes it sound as if there is no struggle involved. Twice on our trip so far, I took a medication to help me through anxious moments at night time. Just because we need help to get through the stretching doesn’t make us less brave. It IS scary to leave everything familiar behind for a few weeks. It’s hard to not see your kids and pets. And those you love.
But my soul needs this. To be alive and fully awake. What’s for me didn’t pass me. Although without courage, it easily could have.
I am so grateful for a spouse who holds all the space in the world for me to share my dreams and my fears with him. He is not my comfort. My comfort is within me. But his care adds so deeply to my joy.
Love over fear.
Freedom or bust.
